Life Lessons: Mothers and Daughters
Life Lessons: Mothers & Daughters
As a child and teenager, I had one perception of my mum; she knew everything. I thought she always got things right, never made mistakes and always knew what to do. I think this dangerous perception has as much to do with childlike naivety and the trust we have in our parents as it has to do with the expectations the world places on mothers.
When it comes to motherhood, everyone seems to have an opinion. What we believe mothers should be like, what they should and shouldn’t do, how they should dress and act, what they should eat, drink and even how they should think. Society seems to hold mothers to incredibly high standards and has little forgiveness for women who go against the grain, make alternative choices or who make what we consider ‘mistakes.’ According to society’s cookie cutter vision of what mothers should be like, women are expected to be wholly selfless. As we navigate life as women, we encounter situations that we are unprepared for. There are lessons we wish we were taught and things we wish our mothers told us. Although maternal instincts exist, parenting is by far and large a learning process for everyone. Life is unpredictable and chaotic at the best of times, and more times than not, mothers parent in the way they believe is best.
I wanted to explore how this topic played out in the real world, so I asked four mothers to reflect on the lessons their own mothers taught them and how this has impacted how they raised or will raise their daughters.
Bernie is mum to Kyle, Melicia and Tamera — all adults now — and is also a grandmother. Christina will be giving birth to her first child in January. Kekee is mum to 3 year old Ayanna and Larissa has two teenage daughters.
Which lesson did your mother teach you that you want to pass on to your daughter/s?
Christina: Always put God first, in everything you do. To wait to have sex after marriage. Be confident enough to walk away from any relationship that doesn’t bring happiness and true love. Always be humble enough to admit when you are wrong and apologise to anyone you have hurt in the process.
Larissa: The first question is slightly tricky to answer because my mother passed away when I was six. I didn't really have female role models in my life. I've had to learn a lot from common sense. Today I teach my kids to Love God, love themselves and be independent. Everything I have taught myself.
Keke: To be kind and selfless.
Bernie: The lesson that my mother taught me did not involve a sit down discussion. It was more about the way she lived her life. So, the lessons came all the time and were significant for me at different times of my life, even now as a grandmother myself, those lessons still resonate in different situations. Even now that my mother has passed away, the lessons still come.
The lesson was that I am strong, I can do all things and my joy is in the Lord. So, as I explained, it wasn't what she said per se, it was how she lived. Her quiet strength has motivated me. If she could live life and the challenges that it presented with such quiet strength and grace, then surely so can I. She was an overcomer and showed me that it could be done! That lesson has enabled me to face very challenging times.
As a parent of daughters, I have equally shown my daughters that I am strong, I am committed in all I do, that I love without hesitation, I support unconditionally, and I am an overcomer. They can set their minds on things and go for it. They can overcome challenges and enable those challenges to shape them and strengthen them, and use them as stepping stones to their potential.
Which lessons do you wish you were taught as a girl?
L: I wish I was taught how not to shy away from things but face challenges from an early age.
K: Your time is your biggest asset.
B: I thought long and hard about lessons I wish I was taught. I think, it's more which lesson do I wish I had held onto stronger, and that would be making sure that I really thought about choices and decisions as everything has a consequence.
C: I wish I was taught more about having relationships with men. On a practical level, I wish I was taught more about getting on the property ladder and the importance of owning my own property.
Which lesson did your mother teach you that you don’t agree with today?
B: I can honestly say there was absolutely nothing that my mother taught me that I did not agree with today. The only thing I would say is that she always wanted to protect me as I was her youngest daughter, but sometimes that leaves a child naïve which I would say is not always best.
K: I don’t think there are any lessons that I disagree with that I’ve been taught by my mum. She’s taught me very valuable lessons in life and I still follow them till today.
C: I was taught to always respect elders even if they are wrong and to accept behaviour from elders simply because they are more senior to me. I do not agree with this as I believe that irrespective of age respect is a mutual thing.
L: That's a hard one to answer because of my first response. But, I don't agree with the notion of children expressing themselves as an act of disrespect or bad behaviour.
Motherhood is complex because women are intricate beings, raising other beings and navigating their own lives. Mothers aren’t perfect, they make mistakes, say the wrong thing or let us down — this is a part of life we must all come to accept. It is important to understand mothers as full people, and allow them to transcend our expectations and ideals.
